Rules For Dating A Guitarist

Couch GuitarFor a while, a list has been circulating on Facebook called Rules For Dating A Musician. When I first saw the headline I thought “Haha, this is gonna be funny!” But no. It’s full of all sorts of things like ‘It is not mandatory that you are at every gig,’ and ‘Do not complain when your special day gets cancelled because a gig has been booked,’ and ‘Babies don’t make guys quit bands,’ and ‘Do not get jealous when your boyfriend/girlfriend talks to groupies.’ In short, comes off as a bunch of douchebaggy rules written by an obvious douchebag who wants to somehow have a girlfriend and be a douchebag at the same time. But those of us lucky enough to somehow be in a relationship know that it takes a special kind of grace for a lady (and let’s face it, that list is written by a dude dictating rules to a lady) to be in a relationship with a guitarist: one who’s willing to overlook your overactive enthusiasm for guitar, not overlook gross exaggerations in personal entitlement. So here – backed up by years of research, let me assure you – are my rules for dating a guitarist.

Rules For Dating A Guitarist


Screen Shot 2014-04-10 at 8.42.42 am Guitars all over the house = super-expensive home decor. You’re welcome.


Screen Shot 2014-04-10 at 8.42.42 am We’ll get the rent next month, promise.


Screen Shot 2014-04-10 at 8.42.42 am The musician mind hears “Don’t you already have enough guitars?” as a challenge.


Screen Shot 2014-04-10 at 8.42.42 am Please don’t be offended if we’re in the middle of a conversation about something you’re interested in but our mind wanders to guitars. We love you very much, it’s just that sometimes we can’t help talking about the differences between different Ibanez Edge tremolo models. You see, the original Edge and the Lo Pro both have replaceable knife edge inserts, and while the Lo Pro is certainly more comfortable against the picking hand, the original Edge seems better balanced and more suited to pulling off super-cool tricks like flutters. Of course the Edge Pro was pretty cool with its ability to be strung without having to snip the ends off the strings, and the Edge Zero is certainly not without its charms. What were we talking about again?


Screen Shot 2014-04-10 at 8.42.42 am Re-recording the same song from scratch every single time we get a new piece of recording equipment is perfectly natural.


Screen Shot 2014-04-10 at 8.42.42 am Boobs look great in a Marshall shirt. Just sayin’.


Screen Shot 2014-04-10 at 8.42.42 am We’re going to use the steering wheel as a drum kit. Feel free to use the dash as a keyboard.


Screen Shot 2014-04-10 at 8.42.42 am Yes, we do have four Ibanez RG550s. They’re all subtly different though. For instance, the one from 1987 has the volume knob in a slightly different place.


Screen Shot 2014-04-10 at 8.42.42 am We haven’t liked a new Metallica song since 1988 (okay, maybe 1991 if we’ve had a few beers) but under no circumstances shall we miss a tour.


Screen Shot 2014-04-10 at 8.42.42 am Hey honey, c’mere a minute… See this wire right here? No, not that one. The red one. Yeah, that one. Can you please hold it right here over this pickup selector switch lug so I don’t lose my place while I pick the burning soldering iron up off the carpet? Thanks.