If you’re like me, you’re probably confused – really confused – by “The View,” the new song by Metallica and Lou Reed, which I ranted about yesterday.

One of the most confusing things for me is Hetfield’s claim during the song that he is a table. You can hear this bizarre assertion towards the end of the song.

Now, I have seen James Hetfield on multiple occasions from multiple perspectives and distances, and I can assure you, he is not a table.

See this?

This is James Hetfield. Note: two legs.

See this?

It is an Ikea table. Five legs. Note that it does not shout out “I am a person! I am a person!”

This is an Ikea table too.

It only has one leg, but it’s still a table. Tables generally require at least one leg, usually three or four (more if it’s very large), but never two.I don’t know of any tables that have only two legs.

Now, see if you can spot which one of these is not a table. You may refer back to the images above if you need to. Note: I’ve included another table in this image just to see if you’re on your toes.

So. James Heftield. Not table. Have we got that settled? Good. As you were.